© 2013 Diana

Week 1 – Day 1 on Wall Street

Author : “A Wall Street Broker” (Anonymous)



Today I woke up at 5am in the morning. All trainees were to report to the building at 7:15am. I live in Central Jersey so there’s at least a 1 hour 15 minute commute to Manhattan with no traffic. I felt surprisingly refreshed for having so little sleep; 5 hours versus my usual 9 to 10 hours. After putting on a $600 Tommy Hilfiger navy pinstripe power suit and some elaborate burgundy shoes from Mezlan, I jumped into my roadster and sped to the bus station.

I rolled into the lobby of the building at 7:10am. There were already maybe 9 recruits waiting by the desk. Many of them looked meek, confused, and restless. For those who have seen the movie, remember these lines from Boiler Room?

“That suit’s dog shit, get a new suit.”

“Alright…I want to talk to you guys about appearance…okay…because most of you dress like shit. I don’t know what your financial situation is…and I don’t want to know, but you gotta get yourself at least one decent suit because have a kinda minimum level of aesthetic professionalism here that we have to maintain. In three months, you can outfit your whole closet, for now just get something to hold you over. There’s an important phrase that we use here, I think it’s time you all learned it. Act as if. You understand what that means? Act as if you are the fucking president of this firm. Act as if you have a 9 inch cock okay? ACT AS IF. And to do that properly, you need to at least look the part…so go get dressed.

Very true here. I don’t know where some of these guys buy their suits. They are absolutely terrible with loose fitting jackets and pants bunching by the ankles. That’s how you can always tell a new recruit from a senior broker at my firm. The senior brokers that came into the lobby were wearing these incredible looking fitted suits with power ties, designer sunglasses, and move with a powerful stride. I believe the way you dress is important, not to purposely show off to others, but rather to feel good about yourself. It will help you feel like you’re the fucking man, and once you feel like that, you will believe that, and then you become that. Men’s Warehouse and SYMS sells plenty of nice suits at flexible prices, and if you really can’t afford it, the first thing you should get when you make money is a decent suit. Also, shoes are important. What the fuck is it with the waterproof Rockports?

By 7:45am-8am, I made my way to the top floor with about 20 other trainees. We all basically sat in a room like a bunch of clueless morons for some time until the guy who hired us all, the business development HR rep strolled in to greet us, lets call him “G”. He gave us a short speech and then left us alone for awhile until the managing director of the firm came in to talk to us. This was basically his speech paraphrased…

“We run this place basically in two ways. One, like the Ritz Carlton and Two, like the Navy Seals. We don’t use Lincoln Town cars here. People get chauffeured around in Mercedes Benz with Cristal champagne. THINK BIG. We don’t fuck around here. We train you to be the best broker on Wall St. If you want to go down the street and work for one of those ducks, go right ahead. They’re crying because they’re not making ANY money. No one cries here. You want to make $25k, $50k, $150k, $250k a month? You can do it here. We have guys who are 19 years old, 1st two months on their own, they’re making $100,000. There are young kids here with sick apartments and cars that their friends could only dream of having.

I go into a store, and I don’t want to look at the price tag. I buy it. I do whatever the fuck I want. I take my friends out to dinner and pay for the meal before we order.

We’re the fastest growing firm on the street right now and we’re looking to have a 1000 strong in a year. We take the time to train you right here because we want everyone here to be big producers. Everyone here helps each other. If you put in the time, we’ll put in the time to help you. Not all of you are going to make it. There will be cuts and there’s nothing I can do about that. Never give up. Stay hungry and you will succeed.”

Then the CEO got on the PA and said something along these lines…

“I want positive energy in this firm and I want people to think BIG. Some of you are like ohhh my client was brought down from $5 million to $2.5 million. Are you kidding me right now? Are you kidding me right now??? You’re saying that when you’re in our beautiful office with our beautiful carpets, 42, 000 square feet, 43 plasma tvs, marble bathrooms, and you’re being negative? I’m looking over some of these numbers and some of you guys are pathetic. I want everyone here to be working. No one here is going to sit around staring at their screens. NO ONE. No way no how, over my dead body. Every one of you will work and think big. We have one of the best analysts on Wall St, he gives you ideas, listen to him and pitch. We’re on TV. We had Rudy Giuliani in here. We were shaking hands with Mayor Bloomberg. Every one of you will THINK BIG.”

The rest of the day was pretty much spent trying to remember a 1 page pitch that was given to all the recruits. We were told we have a few hours today and tomorrow to remember it, then some people may get cut based on that alone. I ordered my series 7 and 63 books on the way home.


Exactly 100 days blogged in 100 posts about how I got sucked into a stockbroker firm, and how I left before I even started. Beyond that, the rest of the posts are meant to be ego inflating, self-serving views on things related to money, finance, and Wall Street. Some of it is satire. Some of it is narcissism. For obvious reasons, if you do manage to figure out what firm I work for, everything in the blog is my opinion and I do not speak on behalf of the firm.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *


You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>