Damnit. I feel like I’ve wasted another weekend. It’s currently 17:55 on Sunday. I’ve just sat down at my desk to write a blog post. The subject would have been how little I’d achieved given the whole weekend. However, the truth is slightly different.

While I certainly haven’t achieved as much as I wanted to, I think I can blame this more on having a bad rhythm than anything else. I got up at 6:00 yesterday, but went to bed at midnight – so I’ve been really tired all day today, despite copious amounts of sleep.

What I did on Friday? Play CS2 (for the non-gamers in the audience, that’s Counter-Strike 2). I’m getting pretty good at it. Frustration at my lack of skill and frequent death is ceding to focus and even some sportsmanship. Whether being good at that game is a goal worth pursuing, especially right now when there are many other, better, probably more enjoyable things I could be doing, is a question I can’t be bothered to ask right now.

I also spent a good amount of time on Discord, of all places, as well as Reddit. These are things I will survive without and must simply stop using. I’ve read Stolen Focus and found it convincing and yet I still fall victim to the draw of those stupid apps all the time. I can’t help but feel that the attention-sucking aspects of these technologies should never have existed.

I just need to find something better to do with my time. And, for most of the time at least, I did. I played Disc Golf for the first time with a good friend of mine. He’s somewhat of a mad scientist, so if you have any insane project ideas (especially things involving microwave transformers), I’ll put you in touch with him. He also, much to my dismay, beat me at the game. Afterwards, we grabbed some cold ones and walked through Zürich along the Limmat. It was a wonderful afternoon.

He’s offered me to help him with a project (see above). I am, however, unsure. While I like spending time with him and value the opportunity to get some technical knowledge, I’m generally not good whatsoever with technical stuff. Most projects I do, I prefer to do on my own. Both of these issues, however, aren’t really that pertinent. I just have an odd, inexplicable bad feeling about the idea of doing this type of thing.

This inexplicable bad feeling seems to accompany me often, giving me the impetus to stop and think about my actions at its best, but also actively preventing me from furthering social relationships and driving me to loneliness at its worst. It’s not just discomfort, it’s dread. It never comes with a reason attached, for that, I need to play the guessing game. Often, it turns into a game of “assume the worst”, as I try to convince myself that as a rational person, my feelings must also be rational. What is this feeling? Perhaps it’s anxiety. If I can’t deal with it through awareness and effort, I may need external help to work through it.

But before I do that, I need to try and overcome it on my own. I need to see what the limit of possibility is. Thus, I’m going to invite people over and never eat lunch alone, come what may. So once I’ve found a proper rhythm, or perhaps in the winter studying break, I’m going to message my friend and tell him I’d be down for any of his crazy projects.

But for now, still finding my rhythm. The series do seem to vary heavily in difficulty (and tedium). However, I’ve solved all of them. Thus, I have until Friday to:

• Review lectures
• Make music
• Read
• Cook/meal prep
• Hang out
• Check out other cool stuff.

This list isn’t ordered at all, by the way. I think I’ll head to the SPH and 3D print some things to get used to the process – I have an idea for a bigger project that I may do over the winter/summer breaks.

In summary, I have myriad exciting things to look forward to, and plenty of things to look back on happily. Whatever hiccoughs may come, I’ve withstood high school and achieved lots. Whatever I need to do, I can do it.